“We supposed to have a session at 9 am today on Skype, but you were not there!” I was shocked as I received this message on WhatsApp, I though our meeting wasn’t till tomorrow. I rechecked my agenda, yes it is written tomorrow, but something inside me tells me it was today. I write a first message explaining what I thought, a second one apologizing, a third one asking for another appointment. I am in a total mess, my body is over heated, my heart is racing and my mind is blocked with fears: what if he is angry with me. After all, his time is very valuable, people reserve a session weeks in advance. What if he thinks I am careless and decides to stop the sessions. “But he is a spiritual person full of compassion, he is not my x.”
Fear… the moment I recognized my fear I felt stupid. I calmed myself thinking that was in the past, I am not afraid anymore of someone being upset at me. But that’s not true, the past needs some time to be processed and driven out of my system. I was hard on myself when I judged my fear. Yes there was no reason for it at that moment but my fear is still legitimate as long I am not totally healed.
As soon I recognized and acknowledged my fear, I was able to see how much is rooted this feeling in my subconscious. The fear of being punished and banished; the swirl it used to send me in, and still does. Everytime I arm my efforts trying to justify my action, to convince the other person that I am innocent, I plead guilty, slay myself on the cross and beg for pardon.
Whatever is the mistake we commit (if there is a mistake), we never deserve to be slayed or tortured, by ourselves or anyone else. Apologize from the heart if it needed. Do your part and let the other does his part. Be responsible for your actions and remember there are never wrong or right, it is all perfect as it is. Whatever occurs is for the best. A mistake might be simply to shed light on certain aspects of your life: you wouldn’t see your lack of organization if you don’t miss an important meeting, so next time be more organized.
The important thing in any situation of fear is to go back to it. Reflect on it and eliminate the judgment. Separate the situation from your emotional state of being: if you are in problem, deal with it without involving your lifelong fears. Deal with it logically and if your fears submerge, respect them but don’t let them blind you.